10.6.12

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Firstly, cutting out pop? HARD!!! All I want is coke zero now!! I'm trying to make sure I drink lots of water, but all I want is that sweet fizz.



Before you suggest it, the fizz is the thing I'm most trying to get rid of, so I can't just mix club soda with juice or something. Believe me, I've thought of it. I love fizzy pop. And all this talk of it is just making me thirsty!

And speaking of cravings, ever since I made the decision to have the surgery, it's really brought my constant hunger to the forefront. I eat, and not long after, I'm starving. I get that empty feeling at the back of my throat, and the churning stomach, and all I want to do is eat. And it's so frequent, and so shortly after I eat. Maybe part of it is in my head - I'm that kind of person. But it's true, I'm hungry all. the. time.

Anyone want to be my wealthy benefactor, and give me the money to head to Mexico for surgery? :-)

8.6.12

If I get everything ready, that won't make it go faster...

If I have all the stuff I'm going to need...

If I adjust my lifestyle...

If I read all the info and know everything there is to know...

If I do everything that I can do...

That won't make this come any quicker. 

Not that it won't be good for me, but it's just very frustrating. I want to get ready RIGHT NOW and then get everything done RIGHT NOW. 

Patience is not my strong suit. 

7.6.12

One of these things isn't the other...

January  March

Just in case you were wondering. 

You know, like my Endocrinologist's office's receptionist. Who said my appointment was "Sometime in January", and it's March 19th. 

I'm not mad. I can understand that life happens, and we can't remember everything, but when you combine this with the fact that she said that she'd call me back Monday, and when I called her back Tuesday afternoon, she said that she's just mailed me the letter instead. 

Also, she was very snotty and rude, every time I've spoken with her. 

So, yeah. If you're going to be a rude receptionist, you could at least be good at what you do?

Look! I will help to make your boots go faster!!


I probably shouldn't say...

How much I love having Timmies XL tea and a BELT (Bagel, Egg, Lettuce & Tomato - with Bacon) for breakfast.

Especially when I didn't take my meds until really late, and on an empty stomach.

6.6.12

I... am covered in clay.

One of the things that really made me think about the surgery (from here on out, maybe I'll just say WLS? For Weight Loss Surgery?) was my ceramics class. More specifically, it was trying to throw pottery on the wheel.

Now, in my everyday life, my body is always in the way. It's an anchor and a chain, dragging me down. It kicks and punches and leaves me in constant discomfort, if not pain. It is a very visual reminder to myself and everyone else that I am just not worth as much, that I can't get myself together and I can't accomplish as much. The bigger I am, the harder living gets.

I'm generally able to do what I need to, though, albeit sometimes with modifications.

Trying to throw on a regular wheel, though... I could not do it. My teachers were lovely, and helpful, and did what they could... And were very nice when I started crying.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't physically DO what they kept telling me to do. I couldn't get leverage, or get my arms in the right spot. They were so patient, but I just COULD NOT DO IT. It wasn't a learning curve thing, it was a giant stomach curve thing.

So what did my teacher do? She went and put together a stand for one of the wheels, so I could throw standing up.

And so today, I actually threw a cylinder. It wasn't fantastic, but the sheer fact that it IS, is wonderful.

Just a quick post

Right now, I shouldn't want to eat. I shouldn't be hungry. I had some brussels sprouts at about 10:30, and I know that I'm fine. And yet, I have this squishy, hungry feeling in my stomach, and a feeling of hollowness at the back of my throat. I would really love to go and eat (and eat and eat) now.

Maybe I should try sleeping instead?

Anywho, I found this picture at another blog, and I felt like I needed to share it.


5.6.12

The waiting game

So, apparently my consult appointment will be... Sometime in January. Downside, that's half a year away.

Upside, that gives me lots of time to make some good lifestyle changes.

So... This shrinking thing isn't working so well.

It seems I always come back to my blog when I'm nervous about something, hey?

So, yeah, this whole dieting thing hasn't been working so well. I try, and then I do well for a little while, and then it doesn't go so well. And I'm sure you guys all know, I'm so, so, so tired of being fat. I'm very tired of carrying around a refrigerator with me, everywhere I go. I'm tired of getting winded after walking just a block, if that. I'm having issues with my pottery class, because the wheels are positioned in such a way that I can't get much leverage, because my body is in the way.

That's a good way of putting almost everything in my life: My body is in the way.

So, you can probably see where this is going..

Yeah, I think I'm going to be looking at Bariatric Surgery; more specifically, I'll be looking at the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. My BMI is too high for the lap-band surgery (And is unlikely to get down that far without help), and I like that the Sleeve doesn't cut or re-route my intestines. Also, this can be performed laparoscopically, which helps for people who are extra-jiggly, such as myself.


I'm waiting for a call back from my Endocrinologist's office, actually, and they'll let me know when my consult with the Bariatric Surgeon is. I know I'm going to have to wait a long time for this, and I'm planning on making some changes towards having the surgery. My first step I started today. I'm quitting pop. Apparently, carbonated beverages are really bad when you have a teeny tiny tummy. I'm going to start meal planning as well, pretty quickly. I have a friend coming to stay for a couple of weeks, in the not-too-distant future, and I'm not sure how the meal planning will work with a third mouth. I know that the sooner I start all of this, the better off I'll be. 

I'm also starting to think of what I'm going to have to say goodbye to. The post-op diet, and for the rest of my life (which, oh my God, is a LONG TIME), will be a high protein, low starch, low sugar diet, with a lot of vitamin supplementation. I will want to eat my protein first, and then fruits and veg, and then carbs if I'm still hungry. What are the foods I want to try while my stomach will still be happy to accept them? What should I eat before I have to go on my final diet? What will I miss the most? Sushi will be out, though I'll still be able to do sashimi and miso soup. Pasta will be a bad idea. I love toast, and I'll still be able to have bread, but they'll want it to only be high fiber, whole grain bread... And toast should be white, with butter and jam. Most desserts will be severely restricted. It's a good thing I won't be so hungry!!

About 3 years ago, I said in this blog that I would be disappointed in myself if I went for the surgical route... But I'm not disappointed. I know, from doing a bunch of research, that surgery isn't an easy way out at all. It will be an irreversible change, one that I will have to live with forever. I'm 28. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. 

10.1.12

I'm over the whole PMS thing.

Eat all the things?

As long as it's chocolate!!

Some coke zero please?

DID YOU SAY NO?!?!?!?

I DON'T THINK SO!!!!

Yeah, I'm feeling very Hulk Smash at the moment. I am a Red Tide of destruction. I am the antithesis of all the happy ladies on the feminine hygiene commercials. I am grumpy and sore and grumpy. And there has been something stabbing me in the general area of my uterus all day.

And I'm not even supposed to HAVE my period!!!

Stress from starting the second semester? Losing weight and eating healthy aging?

I just hope that Aunt Flo doesn't stick around long.

9.1.12

Dear Art History Class...

I feel I owe you an apology. You were pretty great today. You were interesting, sometimes funny, informative...

I'm sorry that I was so tired Thursday, and that coloured my view of you for the worse. Also, your unfortunate location in relation to the class before you.

I hope you accept my deepest and most sincere apologies, Art History class. Let's be friends, shall we?