29.9.09

25 reasons...

25 reasons that I'm losing weight... (the first 14 are from on the WW GDT... I thought I'd expand on them!)

1. Because I don't want to die before I turn 30.


2. Because I want to be a mom worthy of the kids I'm going to have someday.

3. Because I want to be able to say that I'm HEALTHY, which I've never been able to.

4. Because I was getting too big even for Penningtons.

5. Because I want to have better sex with my amazing husband.

6. Because I want to be able to kayak, and hike, and jog, and dance.

7. Because I'm already not bad looking, for someone my size, and it can only get better from here!

8. Because airplane seats aren't designed to hold two people.

9. Because there is a lot of prejudice out there.

10. To look fabulous at my 10 year reunion.

11. To never have to feel the stigma of being so huge EVER again.

12. So that I can have some really good credibility when I go to help other people struggling with their weight.

13. Because I want to look freakin' hot!

14. For my knees, for my back, for my feet...

15. For my heart.

16. Because I really, REALLY want some cute bras!

17. So I can get a new sofa without fear of cutting its life short with my girth.

18. So I no longer have any reason to refer to my extra me as "girth".

19. To beat heredity.

20. To really, truly conquer ALL parts of my binge eating.

21. Because I'm on a roll, baby!!

22. I don't ever want to have to depend on ice cream for my mental health again.

23. I'm tired of disappointing my wonderful, active husband when he wants to do something, and I hurt too much.

24. Because I'm tired of always being sore and tired.

25. Because I CAN, dammit!!!

23.9.09

Dear Chantel...




Dear Chantel...

Kudos to you! You've made some huge lifestyle changes, and are really rocking along there! Tracking points for 9 1/2 months is a big achievement, and you really should be celebrating!

I know how easy it is for you to lose sight of the beginning of your journey, and to belittle how far you've come. Let me spell it out for you...

87.4 lbs.

In about 35 weeks.

That works out to almost 2 1/2 lbs PER WEEK!!

Granted, a lot of that was in the beginning, and you're starting to see the way get harder. The pounds have started to hang on a little harder, and those numbers aren't dropping as quickly as they used to.

That makes what you're doing now even MORE laudable! You're keeping up the hard work, even when you're not seeing such dramatic results! You're tracking, and eating right, and trying to get off your duff when you can!

What else has been accomplished along the way?

You've walked 5 kilometers in one go.

You've jogged, and though it was brief, it was AMAZING.

You've done Yoga.

You've done aquafit.

You're able to fit into previously scary, depressing, too-small chairs.

Heck, you've gone from barely able to walk 100 metres to being able to trail walk, and KEEP UP with normal people!!

And not only that, but you've become a RECOVERING binge eater, and you've learned to use coping skills to nearly annihilate emotional eating!

So Chantel, do not EVER play down how far you've come, and how much work you've put into this. This may just be 'life' for you, but it's a pretty inspiring life. You've come so far, and you're not quitting any time soon.

You inspire me every day.

All my love,

Myself.

21.9.09

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?!


Man, I've become a blog slouch! I used to post, and post, and now? You never see me unless I'm complaining!!

But guess what...

I'm here to post because things are going well!

As you can see in the above picture, we've recently adopted a very cute, very feisty kitten from our local animal shelter, to hopefully be a friend for our current cat, Atreides. So far, I've got quite a few little scratches (not malicious, just getting climbed on), and Buggalo (the kitten) is a bit scared of Atreides, who is, really, just curious about her. We've only had Buggalo since friday afternoon, though, so we're giving her lots of time to adjust.


I had a great NSV this weekend!!

I have a great hairdresser, and I've always been able to fit into the chairs where they cut your hair, but I wasn't able to fit into the chairs in the waiting room... And this time, I went in for my appointment, and because my hairdresser was running a bit behind, I had to wait, and I was able to sit in their waiting room chairs! Relatively comfortably!!

And then while I was getting my hair cut, my hairdresser commented how great it was that I was able to fit into those chairs now, so that if she was behind, I didn't have to stand around, or go for a walk outside. I didn't realize that she had noticed, but it was actually really nice to be cheered on by someone I really don't see that frequently.

Cut to Sunday, and we were helping my cousin celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and so we were at my parents house. There were a lot of family over, and seating was fairly tight, and it used to be that that made me really uncomfortable, because I couldn't move around as much as I needed, to keep my circulation going... And this time, I was comfortable the entire dinner!


I love, love, love losing weight and getting healthy!! Aren't we lucky that we have the chance to do this?!

14.9.09

When healthy is a BAD thing...

Some of you may know that I've been experiencing some ongoing health issues, seemingly with my reproductive organs. So far, I've had about a year and a half of issues, the greatest of which is random, life-disrupting pain, that shows up one day, and is gone the next. Digestive issues have been ruled out, but...

Argh.

Last week, I went in for a CT scan, after having a couple of inconclusive ultrasounds. Let me warn you, the dangers of being very fat? Inconclusive ultrasounds... There was one minor concern that showed up, but doesn't seem to be the root of the problem.

So getting back to the CT scan... Other than a fatty liver, I'm fine. All my organs are of normal size... My Uterus and Bladder seem fine...

So basically, I'm left with no answers.

This is the most bewildering thing, to have had a problem for so long, and not have any answers yet...

So today, after my diagnoses, and a referral to an ob/gyn, I left my doctor's office feeling terribly depressed. I mean, I don't want something SERIOUS to be wrong, but I wanted them to find something fixable!

So, to solve my problem, I ate a carrot cake muffin, and a big snickerdoodle cookie.

Yes, that's right, food solved my issues.

Ah, we all know that that's not true, but I tracked it, and confessed it... I thought about hiding it. Somehow, the points don't count if noone else knows, right? But I just couldn't. Firstly, I couldn't lie to my husband, who has been through me through a LOT of lying about food, and I know he will NEVER judge me for what I eat, or how much I eat. Secondly, I just can't lie to myself. I won't magically forget that I ate that, or that I ate what I ate simply from emotional need.

It's tracked. I ended up dipping into my AP today, and I still have until friday before my points roll over, but I'll make it work.

Thanks for reading my vent, folks. Sometimes, you just need to put your frustrations down in words....

12.9.09

9 Months!

It seems like this week is rather about marking time!

Today is my 9 month anniversary on Weight Watchers! That's right, 9 months! And I'm not quitting, that's for sure!

January 12th, 2009, I started this long journey, and I'm nowhere near the end, but it's still amazing how far away the beginning looks from here!

11.9.09

Never Forget ~ 8 years

What a surreal day - The anniversary of 9/11. It really is strange to think that it's been 8 years since that happened...

8 years ago, I was 17 years old, and only a few months out of high school. I was working as a telemarketer, calling into the states, selling hotel packages. Boy, did THAT get hard after 9/11...

But the terrorist attack isn't the only thing I remember this time of year...

A couple of days after 9/11, smothered in stress and depression, I overdosed on anti-depressents.

Don't misunderstand, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was at work, calling to people who yelled at me and cried at me, and certainly didn't want to buy hotel packages. In July, my father had had a heart attack, and was still really weak. Most of my friends were starting college, and I wasn't. I was fat, and depressed. I just wanted to feel better...

I was really lucky - I got scared, and told a coworker, who immediately called 911. There was no permanent damage done, and I learned that activated charcoal slurry tastes really, really awful.

But that incident got me through a lot of hard, hard nights and days without trying to kill myself. I certainly thought about it, many times. I know there were a lot of nights when my mother, and then my husband, listened to me breathe at night, just to know that I was still alive. But no matter how often I felt like not existing, I knew that I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to put my loved ones through the trauma and sadness of my suicide.

I don't think about suicide anymore. My outlook on life is completely different... I don't even think about the fact that I don't think about dying anymore, other than at this time of year, when I think about 2001.

I have an amazing support system:

My Husband, who is the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. Who understands when to be sweet and when to get angry, and when to just shut up. Who kisses well, and hugs wonderfully, and makes me feel perfect safety.

My Parents, who have always been there for me.

My friends, close and far away: Andrea, Amber, Tami... I know I can always count on you for moral support and a good laugh. You mean so much to me!

My Changeways folks and my WW folks - What an amazing idea, that I have both local and long-distance folks that I can pour my heart out to, who won't judge.

And of course, Me.

I make mistakes, and I get back up. I like myself, and I love myself.

I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am enough for myself.

5.9.09

Ahhh.....

Dear Diary,

Today, I had such a perfectly wonderful day.

The weather was really lovely, which was a surprise, as everyone was forecasting rain.

I slept in until 9am, which is sleeping in, but not TOO too late... I had a relaxing time on the computer, then went and made breakfast. (This was supposed to be breakfast in bed for Chris, but he came downstairs before I finished up, so it was breakfast across the table from each other.) Then, after a long, luxuriating shower, we went for coffee (tea) and a carrot cupcake, we walked up and down main street.

My knee went out twice, which would previously have been an automatic "day over" for me, but today, I was able to walk my way through it. I'm very proud of that.

We drove over to the animal shelter to look at getting a friend for Atreides, and apparently... There will be kittens soon! We're going to look at some in 1 1/2 weeks... Everyone wants kittens, though, so we're going to have to show up RIGHT when the shelter opens to get one.

After that, we went over to my parents' house, so Chris could help my dad with some outside work, which didn't take long.

And then, Chris decided to surprise me by taking me out on a date: Dinner and a movie!

We went to a new restaurant that specializes in Caribbean cuisine. I had coconut curry chicken on basmati rice, and only ate half, so there's another bunch in the fridge for me.

Then we went to see the movie "Julie & Julia", which was GREAT! SO wonderful!!! Amy Adams did a really great job, but Meryl Streep was INCREDIBLE!!!! It certainly differed from the book in many ways, but this is one time that I really wasn't disappointed!

We finished off the day with chocolate malts, up at the second Grey Mountain lookout, and we ate while we watched the amazing sunset over the town. The sky was pink and yellow and orange, and the clouds were a deep, powdery blue...

I have a lot of really great days now, but this one is definitely going to be a standout... A lot of holding hands, a lot of laughter...

I am a very lucky woman.

4.9.09

Was that me?!

Tonight, Chris and I went out for supper... We went to one of our favorite restaurants, called the Klondike Rib & Salmon, which is only open Mother's Day to Mid-September. We usually go a couple of times per summer, and this year was certainly no exception. The food there is delicious, and the prices are reasonable (but def. not cheap). The food is plentiful, and the service is very friendly.

Once upon a time, I would go there, and eat the full rack of ribs, and a complete (huge) dessert, all by myself. And then I'd be totally ready to eat more. I had never HEARD of packing up my leftovers!! Sure, I'd be full... But not full ENOUGH! I would feel pukey-stuffed, but it still just wasn't enough food.

Today, I had their orange-glazed wild salmon. Instead of a huge plate of fries, I ordered the much more reasonable polenta. And what was the first thing I ate? The veggies!

The serving of salmon was about 8 ounces, so a nice big serving, and about half of that came home with me, along with half the polenta!

And then came dessert... We hadn't eaten dessert there this summer yet, and they make the most luscious, moist, yummy bread pudding, with a whisky caramel sauce. For both of us, this is our very favorite item on the menu. We've ordered this to go, even, when we just needed something delicious to sit and eat at home. Today, Chris and I split the bread pudding, and when he offered me part of his piece, I was very happy to turn him down.

I left feeling satisfied. I wasn't full, not even a little, but I certainly wasn't going to be hungry again tonight. I have breakfast in the fridge for tomorrow.

It's amazing how far you come when you're consistently watching what you eat for nearly 9 months. You get used to healthy portion sizes, and not stuffing yourself all the time, and the knowledge that hunger is simply a feeling, and not an emergency. You learn that recipes usually call for too much oil, and that low-fat options are often not bad substitutes, but honestly, if you're eating right, you don't need to use them.

It's daunting, when I think of how far I have yet to go, but I see these little (BIG) changes in myself, and I know that I'm going to make it!

What's the damage?

Ah, weigh in day. Crazy joy when I'm on plan, bane of my existance when I'm not... The scale has been sitting in my bathroom, staring at me...

I'll admit that I stepped on it once, and the results it gave me were horrific. As in, the decade number had gone up horrific. So my expectations for today's weigh-in were a little sad...

I was expecting a gain of about 8 lbs, based on what I'd seen earlier, but I was only up 4 lbs overall, so I'm pretty stoked, actually!

But even better than the better-than-expected WI was what I was able to do on vacation...

I was able to walk around for a long time, and I was able to HIKE!!

For those of you who've never been to five-finger rapids, this:



is how they start. Or finish, when you're coming back. And those aren't the only stairs you end up negotiating! And I did this! I hiked, and I did the stairs! Granted, on the way back up, I had to pause at every landing (these are long darn stairs, folks!) but I made it!

I'm so incredibly proud of myself...

Stay tuned for a post with a few photos of meeeee... As taken by my wonderful friend Amber, who is an excellent photographer!

2.9.09

Long time, no blog!

Gooooooooood Afternoon Sportsfans!! It's a beautiful day here in Sunny Whitehorse, and I have no idea why you're reading my blog! Go away! I hate sports!!

As for the rest of you, hello to you too! I've missed you all, but that's not your fault... I just haven't been in much of a blogging mood.

Or a points tracking mood.

Or a portion controlling mood.

Or a getting off my duff mood.

Really, I've just been in the mood to sit around and play Playfish games and munch... By the way, I highly recommend facebook games by Playfish. They're very addictive, and adorable. My faves are Restaurant City, and Country Story (Which I enjoy way more than Farmville), but I've also recently started playing Crazy Planet.... JOIN ME MY FOLLOWERS!!!

*koff*

Anywho, I took a vacation from weightwatchers, while I was on vacation with my friend Amber, which I have no problem with. The issue I had was that my food vacation didn't stop when my vacation-vacation ended. I didn't feel like counting points, or eating right. I was having too much fun just not caring what went into my mouth and then staged a sit-in on my thighs and belly.

I feel like, every time I take a 'break' from weight-watchers, from tracking what I eat, it gets harder and harder to get myself back on. It's too easy to put all my hard work aside, and cram my face with as much bread, cheese, cheese, cheese, chocolate, cookies, butter, cheese, pasta (eating an apple atm, so I'm okay to write about all this yummy food) as my stomach can hold, and more. And then it's a wee bit depressing to have to think about cutting back, doing all that extra work...

So Monday, I decided that it was time to stop the madness, and get myself back on plan. And it's hard. It's not habit anymore! I've forgotten the meaning of the term self-control! Pie? Yes, please! Pizza? Mmmm...

So yesterday, I did some un-tracked eating. I was baby-sitting, and supper was pizza, and I ended up eating 5 whole slices. Granted, they were small slices (pretty reasonable, points-wise), but I meant to stop at 3, then at 4, but they just tasted too good. And my blood sugar had been wonky that day. And I was feeling like my excuse quota just hadn't been met for the week!!

Did I want to track them? No.

Did I go home and track them anyway?

Heh, no.

But today, I was reading the "Accountable Cuisine" thread on the 200+ board, and I thought:

"Chantel, you are stronger than this. You can do this! You've done it in the past, and you're going to keep losing weight, and you're going to get healthy, darnit! You are not going to let yourself be controlled by FOOD! You are in charge!"

So I tracked every bite of yesterday's food. And I'm tracking today's food. And I will keep tracking my points, because this is life or death, folks. I'm nearing the 9 month mark - I can't quit now!

So onwards and downwards!!