8 years ago, I was 17 years old, and only a few months out of high school. I was working as a telemarketer, calling into the states, selling hotel packages. Boy, did THAT get hard after 9/11...
But the terrorist attack isn't the only thing I remember this time of year...
A couple of days after 9/11, smothered in stress and depression, I overdosed on anti-depressents.
Don't misunderstand, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was at work, calling to people who yelled at me and cried at me, and certainly didn't want to buy hotel packages. In July, my father had had a heart attack, and was still really weak. Most of my friends were starting college, and I wasn't. I was fat, and depressed. I just wanted to feel better...
I was really lucky - I got scared, and told a coworker, who immediately called 911. There was no permanent damage done, and I learned that activated charcoal slurry tastes really, really awful.
But that incident got me through a lot of hard, hard nights and days without trying to kill myself. I certainly thought about it, many times. I know there were a lot of nights when my mother, and then my husband, listened to me breathe at night, just to know that I was still alive. But no matter how often I felt like not existing, I knew that I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to put my loved ones through the trauma and sadness of my suicide.
I don't think about suicide anymore. My outlook on life is completely different... I don't even think about the fact that I don't think about dying anymore, other than at this time of year, when I think about 2001.
I have an amazing support system:
My Husband, who is the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. Who understands when to be sweet and when to get angry, and when to just shut up. Who kisses well, and hugs wonderfully, and makes me feel perfect safety.
My Parents, who have always been there for me.
My friends, close and far away: Andrea, Amber, Tami... I know I can always count on you for moral support and a good laugh. You mean so much to me!
My Changeways folks and my WW folks - What an amazing idea, that I have both local and long-distance folks that I can pour my heart out to, who won't judge.
And of course, Me.
I make mistakes, and I get back up. I like myself, and I love myself.
I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am enough for myself.